My mother gave me three of his books when I told my mother I didn’t believe in god anymore. I had a really tough time with religion, and decided to drop all pretenses around my confirmation time in the Catholic Church.
I ha gone to Catholic School, an it was my first brush with antisemitism. My father was Jewish, my mom catholic, making me a marked women. I don’t want to get into that too much, but I can say children can be cruel. When you give them some sort of religious backing in their cruelty, their unstoppable. They believe their right. And your very act of being is wrong.
When It came time to be confirmed in the Catholic Church, I refused. At the time I couldn’t understand why everyone was so upset. My family had made me go to classes leading up to the confirmation. Every day the priests pressed on us the importance of this confirmation. You are Catholic. You are committing yourself to the religion.
But what if you don’t believe in any of it? Should I lie so everyone feels better? Isn’t this the point of a confirmation? To weed out the people who don’t buy into? I was also brought up with the Judaic faith as well. Wasn’t there a 50/50 chance of this happening regardless?
My mother was devastated. My Grandfather didn’t speak to me for weeks
On Christmas my mother handed me Brian’s book.
"If you don’t believe in god, believe in something. Believe in Fairys. Believe in spirits. Believe in Energy. Believe in something."
It hit me when I got older, My mother was loosing her own faith. It was just to hard watching a mini version of herself actually saying it out loud.
I still have the books. And as I got older, I admit that I believe in something. It sure to hell isn’t the Catholic god. But I do believe in Energy, and Destiny, and maybe even Fairys, just a little.
I know a guy, for tumblr’s sake, lets call him james, from high school.
Now James was in the same social circle as me, and was actually pretty good friends with my twin sister.
But I never was friend with James. Something always bothered me about him. He was big, and awkward, and I just got bad vibes from him. I was never mean, but I always avoided him.
I think he picked up on it too. At least I hope he did. I denied all facebook/myspace requests. I never answered any of him emails. I really just shut him out after high school.
Well, now my boyfriend and James are friends. James drives one of the new bugs, so he and my boyfriend have been talking cars. My twin mentioned Jame’s girlfriend went to Catholic school with us.
I was heading into middle school right after the whole Columbine School Shooting thing, and my mom thought private school was the answer.
My mother is Catholic, My Dad is Jewish. This was never really a thing any where else. I knew a lot of kids who came from mixed faiths. My Jewish cousins had the best Christmas tree every year. It never felt odd, and I never felt out of place. If anything, it made me feel a little special. I got Christmas, and Hanukkah.
I already went to a Jewish sleep away camp, where I had no problem being a mixed faith kid in a camp that held itself to orthodox Jew standards.
(We ate kosher, prayed before and after each meal, attended services, read from the torah, and had hebrew classes. We did all of the regular camp activities as well, but the jewness was tossed in for flavor. I still got to third base under volleyball bleachers, and learned how to paddle a canoe, like a regular camp)
And honestly, I really dug Jewish camp. For an OCD kid like me, Judaism was like crack. There are tons of rituals. There are even some funky dance moves to do during certain prayers. (ok not really, but we do take a step forward, Kneel, and bow during the Kiddish)
Because Jewish Camp was such a blast, I thought catholic school would be no sweat.
I don’t think Ive ever really discussed it, but the antisemitism at that school was off the wall. It was just so new to me. I came from Jewish camp, where everyone was my friend….
…………..to Catholic school, were girls I didn’t even know would walk over to me in 3s, and tell me I was going to hell. Boys spit on me, and called me a heeb, and I didnt even know what that was.
I remember a boy reading his essay about the new millennium, (it was 1999 at the time) he said all of the jew would die, because that was their job. Then the Catholics would make a new society. I’m paraphrasing here. He had a lot more hell fire.
This memory sticks out in my head the most. because I was dumbstruck. I could feel my pulse pounding in my ears, I kept waiting for someone to say something. For the teacher, Mrs. Bergin to reprimand. But it was business as usual. The next kid was called. I sat at my desk, mortified, trying to hide that I was crying.
I went to a different school the next year. For a really long time, if I ran into someone from St. Mary’s, I was automatically defensive. I felt humiliated and weak for what happened back there. For not saying anything. For not standing up and beating the shit out of that kid.
So I’d pick fights. Id spot that St. Mary’s School Tartan skirt walking around the mall, and I was priming for a fight. Here, you hate me, well fuck you, I hate you more, and I’m better at it, because I use fists.
So the other night my boyfriend and I were discussing James, and I was honest. I said I had no reason to not like him, but I had heard things. Rumors are rumors, and I’m going to give him a chance.
This morning I checked my facebook to see I was tagged in one of Jason’s Girlfriend’s photos. It was some stupid “some girls wear heels blah blah I don’t blah blah” I rolled my eyes and looked at her profile.
Its lovely to see that people don’t change, and I should really just follow my instinct.
Her profile picture is her brand new Swastika tattoo. That James gave her with his shitty basement tattoo gun.
My only thought is BEAUTIFUL. Now I have a more solid reason to not hang out with Jason and Ms. Aryan nation.